Dancing Faux Pas

By Mufasa

Hey Dr. Grizz,

Great to be back. For those of you who don't know, Big Grizz's DVR went down last week, and (Ever since his weekend update netted over 8 readers, Big Grizz thinks he's hot stuff, so he doesn't' watch DWTS live, like the rest of "plebeian" [his words, not mine] America) he wasn't able to watch DWTS...Luckily, After huffing and puffing and blowing the the cable guy, he got it back. But I digress. I thought I would write you, Grizz, with a pre-episode letter expressing my extreme dissatisfaction at many of the dancing f aux-pas, I guess you'd call them, many celebriwannabes commit each and every week. Be sure to keep an eye out for these, because not only do they anger me, but I'm pretty sure they piss-off the other 3 Hispanic guys watching the show (quick shout out to Pedro, Juan, and Carlos):

1) The Double Wave - Luckily for us, this only occurs at the beginning of every show. Essentially what happens is the C-Listers walk down the steps with their partners (after their introductions) and stand in a big line (Men behind Women) for the camera to pan across. As the camera does this, some of the celebrities give a smile or an awkward head nod; hell even the big smile and 'hi-mom' is tolerable (once a season Steve Guttenburg...that's all you get). But for some unexplained reason, some of the celestial bodies (stars is being generous) decide to raise both hands, wave, and smile at the camera in what can only be described as Danny LoRusso getting high on PCP, going back to Mr. Miyagi's house, showing him the 'wax on' 'wax off' techniques simultaneously, and laughing like an idiot the whole time.

Biggest Offender: Everybody on the entire freaking show (but especially the Hair-candidate for ridolin-Spray Girl)
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 4 - But only because if Julianne did it I'd do a 180 and say it was the new high five
Final Verdict:This is an easy one to fix. Please Stars, remove the dopey grin, and give us a pleasant nod or single-hand wave.

2) The Campaign - This is an actual conversation had by Big Grizz and I during the last season of DWTS

Mufasa: "Wow...that dance by Marie Osmond made my eyes bleed."
Grizz: "Yeah, what the hell?? was she supposed to be a doll... too many hookups with Donnie."
Mufasa: "HOW DID SHE GET THIS FREAKIN FAR INTO THE COMPETITION!?!?! TOP 3!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!"
Grizz: "Oh wait, she just signaled that we should text and/or call in our votes"
Mufasa: "Ok, that settles it. We'll vote Marie Osmond to win it all."

After receiving their scores, Samantha Harris says one of her two lines (the other being "welcome to DWTS"), and asks everyone to call or text in their votes. The contestant, feeling as though Samantha can't complete a sentence (which is actually a valid sentiment...oh and quick note, I'm glad Marlee called out Samantha for shoving the microphone in her face...I mean come on, show some sense), decides to tell us to call in their vote by putting a "hand phone" up to their ear and mouthing "please vote." Other variations of this include pretend typing in the air, and pointing down to the text they can't see. Perhaps the biggest offense of all though is when they hold up their hand and tell us which number contestant they are. hmmm? they think we're stupid enough that we can't remember what number dancer they are, yet they expect us to navigate the intricate machinations of sending multiple numbers in the form of a text message? Glad they give us so much credit.

Biggest Offender: Mufasa is all about Women's Rights, but in this case I have to say most of the women do it.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 7 - Its like a paper cut...on your junk
Final Verdict: Be gracious and stop campaigning for votes (this isn't' Hilary vs. Obama); I can't remember one champion ever doing this.

3) "Bizz" Terms - WHAT THE HELL IS MUSICALITY!?!?! I've been keeping track of every time the judges say this word, and I still have no idea what the hell it means? This baffles me more than hearing about the "Principle of Vertically" while watching March Madness the other day. So far Carrie-Anne is the biggest offender with 4 mentions of the elusive, yetti-like concept. Len comes in a distant second with only one mention, while Bruno (who probably doesn't' have it in his random-Italian-interjection to English translation book) has yet to mention it. Now I'm all for giving criticism when it is due, but complimenting someone's musicality is like saying you have a "great personality."

Biggest Offender: Carrie Anne InABBAwasthebestgroupofthe80's.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 8 - Remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the girl is in the pit. Now imagine if the Serial Killer said "it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality....it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality" See what I mean? Made up words just don't sound as good.
Final Verdict: From now on I'm gonna start walking around talking about how "blogozemened" I am at everything happening in the world.

4) The Pop Star - This is the Cadillac of annoying gestures. The dancer, while performing their routine, mouthes (and presumably sings) the song while dancing. Now, I think Grizz and I have established the unending appreciation we both have for the Don of Music, Harold Wheeler. To me, when a dancer sings along while performing, they are completely ruining the munificent melodious acumen of HW. One variation of this occurs when the dancer, for some inexplicable reason, leaves their mouth open the entire dance. Mufasa's explanation: the dancer is accustomed to inserting long, thick, shaft-like items into their mouth, and when they dance they lose the focus of keeping their mouth closed. (Get your mind out of the gutter. The dancers are eating a good amount of Banana's to get rid of the lactic-acid buildup from practicing rigorously during the week).

Biggest Offender: Mark Cuban - At least he made it out of the first round, though.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 10 - Remember that movie the Birds? Imagine that, only the Birds are in fact a swarm of Rosie O'Donnells.
Final Verdict: For the love of God, please stop this. If not for me, do it for HW.

Dancing With the Stars Review

MUFASA:

Well Big Grizz,

Last night was a pretty important "hump" episode. We finally moved away from the pomp and circumstance the first two episodes always carry. And while everyone improved over their first two outings, I got the feeling throughout that I just don't like this season that much. Maybe I'm a a big jaded because we can't always have the best Non-Stars, or maybe I'm a bit hung-over after watching Julianne Hough climb not only the standings but into my heart. Hell, I think even not having Marie Osmond on the show is a certifiable negative. I mean, come on; we loved to hate her. Every show needs a bad guy, and we certainly had one last season. This season? I like everyone. Who would have thought that would be a bad thing? Even worse, this season is already in the books: the percentages of votes for the first weeks tell me everything I need to know. The Guch got 74% of all votes!!!!!!!! Jason Taylor was second with 12% (and after last night, probably falling). The rest of the pack didn't sniff single digits, and most settled between 0.1%-2.0%. The competition is already in the bag; which causes it to lose some of its luster. Last season went down to the finale, this season The Guch can start polishing the mirror ball trophy now; because she is really good. I feel bad, I would like to see her against some really good competition. She reminds me of the 94-95 Houston Rockets, a great team with an all time great (the dream) leading the way; but their championship will forever be remembered as being won between when Jordan played. Wouldn't it be great to see the Guch against someone like Stacey Keibler or Mario Lopez? That would bring some fire, some passion, and major intensity to the show. So in honor of that I'm going to lay down a dream team of Dancing with the Stars...actually how about this? I'll lay down my dream 6, and you lay down your dream 6, and together we will have accumulated the ultimate dancers with the stars roster. Now, without further ado:

1) Arthur Fonzarelli - Now this alone would be worth the price of admission. All he would have to do is put on a leather Jacket during a jive and say "heeey" once, and he'd be guaranteed to win it all. Hands down. Carrie-Anne would get an STD, Bruno would get pregnant, and Len Goodmen...well, lets just say he'll be walking like a cowboy for the next 12 years. Happy Days for all indeed.

2) MacGyver - Can you imagine Richard Dean Anderson dancing his way through the MacGyver theme, as interpreted by Harold Wheeler? Actually, come to think of it, why isn't RDA selling out massive arena's dancing to the theme song from his show. Watch This:


Now tell me that you wouldn't' go to the metro-dome to see him dancing to this montage. You know he'd by the iron man of the circuit too, because if there was ever a wardrobe mal-function he'd fix it with nothing less than a pen laser pipe bomb.

3) The chick with three boobs from Total Recall - It seems like a popular cause on DWTS these days to include someone with a physical handicap, so this is my entry. I'm a big fan of most of the wardrobe on dancing with the stars. They do a great job tailoring the costumes to show off certain dancers...assets. Now, can you imagine how life-altering this would be? Even if she can't dance, she would really bring a lot of awareness to MBS (Multiple Boob Syndrome). And you want to know the best part? Its almost a certainty that HW would put a version of 'my humps' where he makes Fergie stutter several times, in order to account for the multiple lumps.

4) John MacEnroe - Can you imagine the repoire he would have with the judges? And by repoire I mean scream matches. I can only imagine what would happen if one of the judges said his foot went off on one of his lines. Actually, I don't have to imagine, that judge would probably get a good natured ribbing from Johnny Mac, because he's calmed down since his playing days. But still! The potential is there.

5) Harriet Tubman - Who said my all time lineup had to be all living people? My only reason for including this entry is because the ultimate remix provided by HW to the song "Come on Ride the Train" would probably make my head explode. Hell, imagine her dancing to Chocolate Rain by Taye Zonday; that alone would be worth the price of admission.

6) Mario Lopez - Oh wait. He already was on it? What's that you say? He lost to Emmit Smith? But how, Mario is clearly a much better dancer. Oh? America got it wrong and voted a clearly inferior dancer? Well at least the judges...no? They gave them equal score? Oh, ok...

6-A) Jeff Cohen - What!? Who the hell is that Mufasa?!?!?! Well, I've only got two words for you: Truffle Shuffle.

BIG GRIZZ:

Mufasa,

Sorry for really dropping the mirror ball these past couple of weeks. Who would have thought something as reliable as a cable company could let a Grizz down. Never fear, I've still watched each and every episode and have some rock solid opinions.

1) I agree there's no real she-devil to hate this year like we could count on past seasons. But in past seasons you saw contestants mature and contestants who really found their sweet spot. Was it the cha-cha, the Viennese Waltz, or HW hypnotizing the contestant beforehand with his enormous baton. I think we'll see a challenger for the Guch before the season is over and let me be the first to say I'm willing to take the field. As a matter of fact i already told my Korean Bookie this very fact. Ironically this is the same Korean bookie who told me he loved my pick of the Knicks to win the NBA Championship and Tony Romo to announce he's gay to diffuse the Jessica Simpson rumors.

2) About my dream dancers

A) a headless Ted Williams. Look, I'm of the opinion he's already been back to life and the fact he doesn't have a head fits the "we need a deformed celebrity" requirement to a T.

B) Gary Coleman. Huh? What'chu talkin about Willis?" Yea you heard me. GC. Look if the guy could get votes in California primary, he's got staying power on DWTS.

C) Shirley Jones - Shirley Partridge. This fulfills the requirement of star that has a relation with someone more famous. Every time Joey Fatone danced they showed another *NSync member. Every time Marie danced they showed Donny crying. Every time they showed Donny crying my mom would call and vote for her. So anyways, about Shilrls, each time she dances, you could get a shot of Danny Bonaduce sitting in the audience.

D) Drew Carey - Two reasons. 1) If he has a heart attack and dies they could find someone, anyone better to replace him on the Price is Right. 2) He's fat and it's funny when fat people dance.

E) Fred Astaire - maybe the greatest dancer (next to Usher) of all time. Could you imagine him getting up there, HW on the band, and just breaking into an absolutely incredible tap dance solo that causes Samantha Harris to get pregnant again, Len to cry, Bruno to shut the hell up, and Carrie Ann to try and use a dumbass word like "musicality" only to get struck down by lightning from the Lord of the Dance (Lopez).