Dancing Faux Pas

By Mufasa

Hey Dr. Grizz,

Great to be back. For those of you who don't know, Big Grizz's DVR went down last week, and (Ever since his weekend update netted over 8 readers, Big Grizz thinks he's hot stuff, so he doesn't' watch DWTS live, like the rest of "plebeian" [his words, not mine] America) he wasn't able to watch DWTS...Luckily, After huffing and puffing and blowing the the cable guy, he got it back. But I digress. I thought I would write you, Grizz, with a pre-episode letter expressing my extreme dissatisfaction at many of the dancing f aux-pas, I guess you'd call them, many celebriwannabes commit each and every week. Be sure to keep an eye out for these, because not only do they anger me, but I'm pretty sure they piss-off the other 3 Hispanic guys watching the show (quick shout out to Pedro, Juan, and Carlos):

1) The Double Wave - Luckily for us, this only occurs at the beginning of every show. Essentially what happens is the C-Listers walk down the steps with their partners (after their introductions) and stand in a big line (Men behind Women) for the camera to pan across. As the camera does this, some of the celebrities give a smile or an awkward head nod; hell even the big smile and 'hi-mom' is tolerable (once a season Steve Guttenburg...that's all you get). But for some unexplained reason, some of the celestial bodies (stars is being generous) decide to raise both hands, wave, and smile at the camera in what can only be described as Danny LoRusso getting high on PCP, going back to Mr. Miyagi's house, showing him the 'wax on' 'wax off' techniques simultaneously, and laughing like an idiot the whole time.

Biggest Offender: Everybody on the entire freaking show (but especially the Hair-candidate for ridolin-Spray Girl)
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 4 - But only because if Julianne did it I'd do a 180 and say it was the new high five
Final Verdict:This is an easy one to fix. Please Stars, remove the dopey grin, and give us a pleasant nod or single-hand wave.

2) The Campaign - This is an actual conversation had by Big Grizz and I during the last season of DWTS

Mufasa: "Wow...that dance by Marie Osmond made my eyes bleed."
Grizz: "Yeah, what the hell?? was she supposed to be a doll... too many hookups with Donnie."
Mufasa: "HOW DID SHE GET THIS FREAKIN FAR INTO THE COMPETITION!?!?! TOP 3!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!"
Grizz: "Oh wait, she just signaled that we should text and/or call in our votes"
Mufasa: "Ok, that settles it. We'll vote Marie Osmond to win it all."

After receiving their scores, Samantha Harris says one of her two lines (the other being "welcome to DWTS"), and asks everyone to call or text in their votes. The contestant, feeling as though Samantha can't complete a sentence (which is actually a valid sentiment...oh and quick note, I'm glad Marlee called out Samantha for shoving the microphone in her face...I mean come on, show some sense), decides to tell us to call in their vote by putting a "hand phone" up to their ear and mouthing "please vote." Other variations of this include pretend typing in the air, and pointing down to the text they can't see. Perhaps the biggest offense of all though is when they hold up their hand and tell us which number contestant they are. hmmm? they think we're stupid enough that we can't remember what number dancer they are, yet they expect us to navigate the intricate machinations of sending multiple numbers in the form of a text message? Glad they give us so much credit.

Biggest Offender: Mufasa is all about Women's Rights, but in this case I have to say most of the women do it.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 7 - Its like a paper cut...on your junk
Final Verdict: Be gracious and stop campaigning for votes (this isn't' Hilary vs. Obama); I can't remember one champion ever doing this.

3) "Bizz" Terms - WHAT THE HELL IS MUSICALITY!?!?! I've been keeping track of every time the judges say this word, and I still have no idea what the hell it means? This baffles me more than hearing about the "Principle of Vertically" while watching March Madness the other day. So far Carrie-Anne is the biggest offender with 4 mentions of the elusive, yetti-like concept. Len comes in a distant second with only one mention, while Bruno (who probably doesn't' have it in his random-Italian-interjection to English translation book) has yet to mention it. Now I'm all for giving criticism when it is due, but complimenting someone's musicality is like saying you have a "great personality."

Biggest Offender: Carrie Anne InABBAwasthebestgroupofthe80's.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 8 - Remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the girl is in the pit. Now imagine if the Serial Killer said "it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality....it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality" See what I mean? Made up words just don't sound as good.
Final Verdict: From now on I'm gonna start walking around talking about how "blogozemened" I am at everything happening in the world.

4) The Pop Star - This is the Cadillac of annoying gestures. The dancer, while performing their routine, mouthes (and presumably sings) the song while dancing. Now, I think Grizz and I have established the unending appreciation we both have for the Don of Music, Harold Wheeler. To me, when a dancer sings along while performing, they are completely ruining the munificent melodious acumen of HW. One variation of this occurs when the dancer, for some inexplicable reason, leaves their mouth open the entire dance. Mufasa's explanation: the dancer is accustomed to inserting long, thick, shaft-like items into their mouth, and when they dance they lose the focus of keeping their mouth closed. (Get your mind out of the gutter. The dancers are eating a good amount of Banana's to get rid of the lactic-acid buildup from practicing rigorously during the week).

Biggest Offender: Mark Cuban - At least he made it out of the first round, though.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 10 - Remember that movie the Birds? Imagine that, only the Birds are in fact a swarm of Rosie O'Donnells.
Final Verdict: For the love of God, please stop this. If not for me, do it for HW.

Dancing With the Stars Review

MUFASA:

Well Big Grizz,

Last night was a pretty important "hump" episode. We finally moved away from the pomp and circumstance the first two episodes always carry. And while everyone improved over their first two outings, I got the feeling throughout that I just don't like this season that much. Maybe I'm a a big jaded because we can't always have the best Non-Stars, or maybe I'm a bit hung-over after watching Julianne Hough climb not only the standings but into my heart. Hell, I think even not having Marie Osmond on the show is a certifiable negative. I mean, come on; we loved to hate her. Every show needs a bad guy, and we certainly had one last season. This season? I like everyone. Who would have thought that would be a bad thing? Even worse, this season is already in the books: the percentages of votes for the first weeks tell me everything I need to know. The Guch got 74% of all votes!!!!!!!! Jason Taylor was second with 12% (and after last night, probably falling). The rest of the pack didn't sniff single digits, and most settled between 0.1%-2.0%. The competition is already in the bag; which causes it to lose some of its luster. Last season went down to the finale, this season The Guch can start polishing the mirror ball trophy now; because she is really good. I feel bad, I would like to see her against some really good competition. She reminds me of the 94-95 Houston Rockets, a great team with an all time great (the dream) leading the way; but their championship will forever be remembered as being won between when Jordan played. Wouldn't it be great to see the Guch against someone like Stacey Keibler or Mario Lopez? That would bring some fire, some passion, and major intensity to the show. So in honor of that I'm going to lay down a dream team of Dancing with the Stars...actually how about this? I'll lay down my dream 6, and you lay down your dream 6, and together we will have accumulated the ultimate dancers with the stars roster. Now, without further ado:

1) Arthur Fonzarelli - Now this alone would be worth the price of admission. All he would have to do is put on a leather Jacket during a jive and say "heeey" once, and he'd be guaranteed to win it all. Hands down. Carrie-Anne would get an STD, Bruno would get pregnant, and Len Goodmen...well, lets just say he'll be walking like a cowboy for the next 12 years. Happy Days for all indeed.

2) MacGyver - Can you imagine Richard Dean Anderson dancing his way through the MacGyver theme, as interpreted by Harold Wheeler? Actually, come to think of it, why isn't RDA selling out massive arena's dancing to the theme song from his show. Watch This:


Now tell me that you wouldn't' go to the metro-dome to see him dancing to this montage. You know he'd by the iron man of the circuit too, because if there was ever a wardrobe mal-function he'd fix it with nothing less than a pen laser pipe bomb.

3) The chick with three boobs from Total Recall - It seems like a popular cause on DWTS these days to include someone with a physical handicap, so this is my entry. I'm a big fan of most of the wardrobe on dancing with the stars. They do a great job tailoring the costumes to show off certain dancers...assets. Now, can you imagine how life-altering this would be? Even if she can't dance, she would really bring a lot of awareness to MBS (Multiple Boob Syndrome). And you want to know the best part? Its almost a certainty that HW would put a version of 'my humps' where he makes Fergie stutter several times, in order to account for the multiple lumps.

4) John MacEnroe - Can you imagine the repoire he would have with the judges? And by repoire I mean scream matches. I can only imagine what would happen if one of the judges said his foot went off on one of his lines. Actually, I don't have to imagine, that judge would probably get a good natured ribbing from Johnny Mac, because he's calmed down since his playing days. But still! The potential is there.

5) Harriet Tubman - Who said my all time lineup had to be all living people? My only reason for including this entry is because the ultimate remix provided by HW to the song "Come on Ride the Train" would probably make my head explode. Hell, imagine her dancing to Chocolate Rain by Taye Zonday; that alone would be worth the price of admission.

6) Mario Lopez - Oh wait. He already was on it? What's that you say? He lost to Emmit Smith? But how, Mario is clearly a much better dancer. Oh? America got it wrong and voted a clearly inferior dancer? Well at least the judges...no? They gave them equal score? Oh, ok...

6-A) Jeff Cohen - What!? Who the hell is that Mufasa?!?!?! Well, I've only got two words for you: Truffle Shuffle.

BIG GRIZZ:

Mufasa,

Sorry for really dropping the mirror ball these past couple of weeks. Who would have thought something as reliable as a cable company could let a Grizz down. Never fear, I've still watched each and every episode and have some rock solid opinions.

1) I agree there's no real she-devil to hate this year like we could count on past seasons. But in past seasons you saw contestants mature and contestants who really found their sweet spot. Was it the cha-cha, the Viennese Waltz, or HW hypnotizing the contestant beforehand with his enormous baton. I think we'll see a challenger for the Guch before the season is over and let me be the first to say I'm willing to take the field. As a matter of fact i already told my Korean Bookie this very fact. Ironically this is the same Korean bookie who told me he loved my pick of the Knicks to win the NBA Championship and Tony Romo to announce he's gay to diffuse the Jessica Simpson rumors.

2) About my dream dancers

A) a headless Ted Williams. Look, I'm of the opinion he's already been back to life and the fact he doesn't have a head fits the "we need a deformed celebrity" requirement to a T.

B) Gary Coleman. Huh? What'chu talkin about Willis?" Yea you heard me. GC. Look if the guy could get votes in California primary, he's got staying power on DWTS.

C) Shirley Jones - Shirley Partridge. This fulfills the requirement of star that has a relation with someone more famous. Every time Joey Fatone danced they showed another *NSync member. Every time Marie danced they showed Donny crying. Every time they showed Donny crying my mom would call and vote for her. So anyways, about Shilrls, each time she dances, you could get a shot of Danny Bonaduce sitting in the audience.

D) Drew Carey - Two reasons. 1) If he has a heart attack and dies they could find someone, anyone better to replace him on the Price is Right. 2) He's fat and it's funny when fat people dance.

E) Fred Astaire - maybe the greatest dancer (next to Usher) of all time. Could you imagine him getting up there, HW on the band, and just breaking into an absolutely incredible tap dance solo that causes Samantha Harris to get pregnant again, Len to cry, Bruno to shut the hell up, and Carrie Ann to try and use a dumbass word like "musicality" only to get struck down by lightning from the Lord of the Dance (Lopez).

Dancing With the Stars Review for 3/18

By Big Grizz and Mufasa

MUFASA:

So here I am, the morning after hooking up with six different girls last night on Dancing with the Stars. How do I feel, Grizz?? Well, to be perfectly honest, I feel like I've just been released from prison, and waiting for me in a pink convertible is Michaelangelo, the Thundercats, and the Dame Judy Dench. I felt liberated; who would have thought the women could re-vitalize such a poor crop of men? If the men were Saved by the Bell – the College Years, the women were definitely the familiar faces of Zach, Kelly, Albert Cliford, Jesse (screaming 'I'm so excited' after taking those pills), Screech, Lisa, and Buddy Bands. Kicking off the night was Shannon Elizabeth in a dress shorter than her career. I actually like her, and I hope she does well. She was a little awkward, but I think she shows some promise. Hopefully she can be more Stacey Keibler and less Willa Ford (in that she can get votes from soccer moms). Monica Seles came next….Grizz I think I'll leave this one up to you. Next up on the docket came some short girl from Hairspray, who, if you ask me, is a dead ringer for Richard Simmons on crystal meth. She really jumped and moved around, but in the whole minute and a half did absolutely no ballroom whatsoever. Next was an Olympic gold medalist figure skater known from here on out as the Guch (pronounced gOOOch). Displaying a calm one can only describe as cold as ice, this cold-hearted competitor was a cut above the rest. (Interesting sidenote: what if the competition came down to the Guch and Monica Seles, and during the final Seles dance the Guch hired old skating friend Tanya Harding to run across the ballroom with a plastic knife…how do you think Seles would react??? Would she panic, would she collapse??? Bottom line, she is just not built for the finals). Next was Priscialla Presley, who got a much higher score than she deserved. I find it ironic she, of "actress" and marrying the King fame, has so little hip movement. She did well last night but will get eaten alive during the Latin rounds. Finally was Marlee Matin; I was initially nervous, since before every commercial break she just kinda moved around not knowing when the music was on/off. But in a stunning display of screw-you Heather Mills I own the title of worlds best Hanidcappable dancer, she did really well. I hope she continues on, she is truly an inspiration to all…Wait a tic, I don't' know how I feel about a women who can't hear any music dancing better than 95% of all white guys across the nation. This sucks; we suck. Damn

How is your secret indicator rolling right now, grizz?

Here are my power 3:

1) Guch

2) Mario

3) American Pie

How do you see it?

BIG GRIZZ:

Mufasa, I couldn't agree more with the women. And before I get going, here's an observation I had last night.

Why do the crappiest dancers come from the dudes, but why do the dudes always win? For example: we've seen Kenny Mayne, Tucker Carlson, and Master P (the most hilarious of them all because he clearly didn't want to be on, the judges didn't want him on, and he kept coming back, and was only filling in for his son Lil' Romeo.) Yet we've also seen John O'Hurley, Emmitt Smith or Mario (get over it Mufasa), Apolianne, and Helianne. Notice I intentionally left out Drew Lachey who successfully won and made me hate my life for watching the entire season.

About Monica Seles.... Let me just put it this way. For a gal who was known for her grunting while on the tennis court, she left the audience grunting by the end of her routine. As far as what she would do if Tonya Harding ran at her with a knife? I can't tell you what she would do, but I know the audience we give her a standing ovation. She's gone within the first two eliminations.

I told you the secret indicator for the guys. Now for the gals it looks like at the top of the list is Shannon Elizabeth. I only say this after the string of awkward moments last year where Derek would grab Jennie Garth's ass or try and grind all up on her and she clearly looked as though she'd rather visit her 80 year old convicted sex felon OB/GYN for a check up . It looks like Shannon is actually receptive to it so far and I hope she goes far...because she's hot.

And despite my comments last night to you personally Mufs, I've decided that the fat Tony Winner made me want to club myself. Giggles and fist pumps are going to get real old real fast. I think her partner just wants to call it quits on the season because that was the worst choreography I've ever seen.

No one's out this week, so all the pressure is on those who sucked this week. Until next week, Happy Dancin!

MUFASA:

You couldn't be more right Grizz; the Women haven't won in four years. And that drew lachey comment is particularly apt, considering stacey keibler should have won that year. A couple things to note from last nights episode: A very interesting moment in last nights show came after Marlee Matlin's unheard of performance. Samantha Harris, who you might know from her role as Rocky Dennis in Mask, inexplicably puts the microphone up to Marlee's mouth for the post-dance interview. What was she thinking? How insensitive can you be? I was talking to my friend Robbo and he said the same thing. The only worse thing she could have done would be if she put the microphone in front of Marlee's hands instead of her mouth. Either way, hopefully the anti-deaf-amation league 'hears' about this and takes proper action to remove samantha from the show.

And how about harold Wheeler finally getting his due on the shoe? All I have to see is that it is about freakin time. The guy churns out hits faster than my dad after a report card. I can't think of anyone else in the industry that could move so deftly from "Bubbly" to the "Apple Bottom Jeans" song. All within a matter of minutes too. And finally he gets the recognition: a nomination for a tony for his work in Hairspray. This guy is like Roy Hobbs (only minus the debilitating gun shot and penchant for fast women named Kim Basinger), pretty soon this guy is gonna rock so hard all the lights will shatter, so he can run around in a circle, trying to look for the fire escape while tackling down any C-list celebrities foolish enough to get in his way.

One thing I would like to see around season 10 is a re-tooling of the show. I think they should either do a Championship Season, in which they bring bakc the top two dancers from every season (so that Stacey and Mario can finally get their due). Imagine how incredible the level of

competition would be. My prediction: a walkaway win for Mario Lopez. Or how about a themed dancing with the stars, like if they got the entire cast of Mash out there and saw what they could do. Better yet, why not the cast of the OC minus Mischa Barton, so she can do coke and not land

any roles. Or best yet, how about the cast of Lost pairs together: imagine Ben doing a rumba with Rose, or Locke doing the Vianesse waltz with the Black smoke, or Sawyer doing a Tango with Hurley. The possiblities are endless.

Other than that, another great night of one-liners from Bergeron and great judging by all those involved. Next week is a double elimination: the big three are Monica Seles, Penn Gillette, and Adam Carolla. Of those three, I predict the two men to be elminated. Seles has the work ethic to pull through; even though her ground strokes lack flavor.

Happy Dancing

Mufasa

Dancing With the Quasi-Stars

By Big Grizz and Mufasa

BIG GRIZZ:

Hey Mufasa,

So finally it's here. The ballroom lights have turned up, Harold Wheeler's baton has re-emerged from the Smithsonian, Bruno Tonioli is eagerly ready to drool over every guy that prances around that dance floor, and they've inexplicably turned on Samantha Harris' microphone
for Season 6 of DANCING WITH THE STARS.

So what are you looking forward to most this season?

I gotta say personally I was a little indifferent when they first released the pairings. Some of the stuff was predictable like Marlee Matlin, the deaf chick who was brought in solely on the Heather Mills fake leg clause (there I said it, you were all thinking it). And instead of getting Penn (who is not funny), couldn't we have gotten Teller (who is about 200 lbs lighter and doesn't talk)? But as we all know, the thing I look forward to the most each season is not the "most likely to be bumping beautifuls" conjectures, but rather that Baron of the Orchestral Pit, that Duke of Musicality, Harold Wheeler. Man, can that guy drum up a score! From the Star Wars theme to that staple of the floor Copacabana to Outkast. Sure Saint Thomas More was the Man For All Seasons, but DAMN! Harold Wheeler is the Man for All Musical Genres. Well it's official, just thinking about Harold swingin that baton just made my knees sweat for the first time this season.

MUFASA:

You were right Grizz, there certainly was a lot of emotion out there. When the show started I felt like a kid on Christmas morning, sprinting down the stairs in the anticipation of getting a brand new Ninja Turtle, only to tear open the wrapping paper and see a Biker Mice from Mars. After being dazzled by last seasons cornucopia of personalities, the first night of season 6 left me underwhelmed. Instead of Sigfried or Roy we get Penn Gillette (interesting side note: you know Harold Wheeler would have had the stones to play 'eye of the Tiger' if Sigfried or Roy were out there); instead of one of the Grammatica brothers we get Jason Taylor, the NFL "Man of the Year," prancing around a stage in sequenced, low cut, v-neck attire; instead of Marcelo Ramos Ramirez Gonzalez Gutierrez we're stuck with a cocky Hispanic no one under 30 and without a cigarette hole in their neck has any idea even exists; instead of Jimmy Kimmell Fucking Ben Affleck we get Adam Carolla looking worse than Master P and Bill Cyrus combined; instead of the entire group of B2K dancing in a circle around Karina Smirnoff, we're stuck with another Super Mario, handcuffing Harold Wheeler by limiting him to R&B (African American Boy Band) songs even Jesus couldn't make tango (interesting sidenote: I've been hearing rumors harold wheeler destroyed the periodic table; because he only recognizes the element of funk); and finally we're stuck with Steven Guttenberg and not Johny 5, who could have won simply by virtue of screaming "I'm alive" at everyone until he cried robotic tears, thus earning him the sympathy vote (hello marie osmond)...

Like you said Grizz, I'm a little underwhelmed by this season so far; this reminds me a little bit of the season after Mario Lopez and Emmitt Smith dueled in a very memorable final, the one no one can remember because it sucked. I'm actually way more interested in seeing how Harold Wheeler will make this group of forgettables seem memorable; all I can say, is that I hope he brings back that amazing version of 'Take on Me' he busted out last year.

Helio and Mel-B, we already miss you


BIG GRIZZ:

Well how's about we "take on this" - best, worst, and favourites (the British spelling is in homage to Len Goodman) from last night.

But before we get to that, can I just say you made a great point about MRRGG over CDLF (Christian de la Fuente)? I mean the guy admits in his pre-dance piece that he's only used dancing to get in people's pants. While that may work okay with Bruno Tonioli and will certainly garner him some impressive scores from the judge sitting on the viewer's right, it doesn't cut it with me. My prediction? He won't make the top 8. I think his hips are inexplicably stiff for a Latino guy and he's going to suffer majorly at the first sniff of a ball room routine.

So look Mufasa, I understand your pessimism this season but I saw some things last night that encouraged me:

1) Penn sucks as a dancer, but he was more funny than he was annoying. He'll be gone first I think. Why? Because I think the adoring public will vote for Julianne over Penn. Assuming judges scores come in approximately equal, I give the nod to Carolla (although he sucks).

2) I have a secret indicator that let's me know who's gonna go far. For example, I could have predicted the Helio-Julianne kiss long before. I could have told you Jennie Garth and Derek Hough would never win. I could have told you Mario and Karina were gonna go far. How? Watch how close the get on their first dance. Mario and Karina the Second were practically making out. They were the best dance last night and my early pick to win.

3) Steve Guttenberg is this season's Wayne Newton. That is if anybody can be the Wayne Newton of anything besides Wayne Newton himself. Lots of personality. Don't know if he has the talent to go far.

So we'll see. I'm interested to see how the guy's stack up against the gals.