Live: The Oscars

By Kirby

8:27 I just cracked open a Bud Light tall boy, Regis just signed off, and we are ready to roll here. I will be honest with you, I have only seen maybe 3 of the movies nominated. I saw No Country in theaters, and a handful of others. None of the other best picture noms.

But don't mistake that first statement. I love movies. And I like to think I know a bit about movies. Sure I won't be able to sit here and tell you why Kurosawa defined modern action movies. Or tell you why the art direction of Golden Compass is better than the Art Direction in American Gangster, but I can still watch a movie like No Country for Old Men and know that it is amazingly well done in every facet. Just like I can watch Corky Romano and correctly assume that it will kill Chris Kattan's career.

Plus I eventually will see all these nominated movies, just once they come out on video. Its not that I am not a movie buff, I am just cheap.

8:30 Well we are off to a poor start. Although every time I see something like this I feel compelled to try and name all the movies seen, this is just lame. Arnold driving around a truck carrying all the Oscars? Apparently the writers didn't get off strike in time to write a better opening.

8:37 Did George Clooney hire an Asian hooker to be his date for the night?

8:41 I think Jennifer Garner is the first chick I have ever seen who is rocking a female combover. Lets hope this doesn't catch on.

8:48 Everyone likes a good montage. Although I think I prefer the Rocky music instead of Celine Dion.

8:53 Has anyone seen Persepolis? I have heard its really good, but what is the deal with that clip? Is it some sort of high class, French sex ed film?

9:00 Looks like they spent too much money on those tubes on the main set. They didn't have enough left over to give poor Amy Adams anything in the background while she sang. Not that it really matters, I checked out about 15 seconds in.

9:04 Well, this eye commercial will give me nightmares tonight.

9:06 The Rock is giving out an Oscar? Strangely, 2 nights ago Steven Segal gave me an AM New York on the way to the subway.

9:12 It looks like the winner of Best Art Direction did a little art directing on her face.

9:15 Finally, the first award people really care about. Although this one is all but over. I think they etched Javier Bardem's name in the statue about 2 months ago. Well, they probably imdb-ed him first to find out who the hell he was first, but....he's a lock.

9:19 So, why do Hispanic actors always dedicate their awards to other Spanish actors? I hope when the next American actor wins, he or she dedicates their award to all the American actors out there.

9:25 Another song not from Once. That means time for me to go get another beer.

9:29 When and where do these short films happen? Are they just all on YouTube? Can I see them ever? Some look good. Is winning one of these like winning an award for AAA player of the year? Maybe next year he will be nominated for a real movie.

9:38 Is it bad that the only actress I have heard of in the supporting actress category is Cate Blanchett?

9:40 Alright, so did the wicked witch from Narnia just thank George Clooney for being in Batman? What just happened here? Did she say nipples?

9:45 How fast do you think Jessica Alba fired her agent after she found out she had to host the lame Oscars for all the technology nerds?

9:51 Yeah, Miley Cyrus is at the Oscar podium now. And no, she is not accepting the award for "Best Actress Under 18 Most Likely to Replicate Brittney Spears Career".

9:54 Ah, damn you writer's strike. Just seeing Kristin Chenoweth makes me miss "Pushing Daisies".

10:03 So what makes one movies sound editing better than anothers? I don't really remember sitting in the theater and thinking, oh man, that sounds AMAZING. But on the plus side, this makes the second award winning movie that I have seen this year.

10:10 Alright, some meat and potatoes. Lead actress.

10:13 So I actually do have La Vie En Rose on my Blockbuster queue. So that is proof that I do have some decent taste in movies. Of course, its behind Shoot Em Up, but still.

10:18 Ah, Colin Ferrell emerges both high, drunk and probably fresh from hitting on Miley Cyrus. But he introduces the amazing song from Once, so I immediately forget. Rock on Hoover Fixer Guy.

10:24 At one point in my life, I decided I wanted to see every Best Picture Winner. I am up to 37 out of 79. I don't know if that proves that I fail at sticking with my goals, or that I might actually have a life.

10:28 Can someone tell me the appeal of Renee Zellweger?

10:34 I think my favorite part of the Honorary Oscar awards is always when they show the celebrities giving them standing ovations. They all try so hard to have this look on their face like "This man is truely an inspiration to us all". Meanwhile, they are really thinking "Get off the stage old man so we can get to the parties. My coke dealer isn't gonna wait around forever."

10:41 The writer's may be back from strike, but I defy any of them to convince me that Steve Guttenberg and Penn Jillette make Dancing with the Stars "sexier" and "hotter".

10:45 RANT: I haven't seen Enchanted, and I hear good things, but really, a 3rd song from Enchanted? Couldn't the Academy all get together and just pick, say 2 of them, so Eddie Vedder could get a well deserved nomination for any song from the Into the Wild soundtrack? /RANT

10:50 Yeah, I am in love with the Once soundtrack. And am really excited that this won. Plus, now I have seen 3 Oscar winning movies this year.

10:51 Is John Stewart purposely clapping an extra 10 seconds after each award as part of the joke? Is he just trying to kill some time? Am I the only one annoyed by this?

11:01 The In Memorium montage is always a mix between sad and awkward. Who is gonna get the biggest claps? Who will I forget they died this year? What percentage have I even heard of? Also, can we get a "John Travolta's Career" in there?

11:09 I am a sucker for a good score. Although at this point they should just rename it The John William's Award for best score. Seriously, winning in any year where he isn't nominated is sort of like when the Rockets won those NBA championships because Jordan retired. Sure, you won, but you didn't really beat the best.

Aw man, I told myself I wouldn't get too Simmons-esque in this thing.

11:11 This marks the first time in 3 years that Tom Hanks has appeared at the Oscars without some sort of bad hair cut or facial hair. Way to go Tom.

11:20 We are really getting to the point now where I begin to debate whether its better to just read the results in the morning, or fight to the end of this. I mean, if I do hit the hay now, what will I miss? A couple of John Stewart jokes that make me sorta smile, but fall short of laugh out loud? Daniel Day Lewis accepting an award that causes 75% of America to say "So that is what he really looks like?"?

11:25 So is Diablo Cody still her stripper name or did someone actually name their baby Diablo? She seems nice enough though, and I am happy she won. I just hope she doesn't name her first born Beelzebub.

11:33 So that is what he looks like.

11:41 Wow, after this past best director montage, its pretty clear that most directors are huge nerds. I wonder if I missed my calling....

11:47 Alright no big surprises for any of the top categories. And now I have seen 38 of 80 Best Pictures. Sort of a boring night, I hope I didn't waste the last 3 hours of my life.

Another year of movies in the books. Another year of strange set designs and canned jokes. And I am just gonna make an early prediction for next year: Indian Jones wins the award for Best Sound Editing. You heard it here first. Now I am going to sleep.