Dancing Faux Pas

By Mufasa

Hey Dr. Grizz,

Great to be back. For those of you who don't know, Big Grizz's DVR went down last week, and (Ever since his weekend update netted over 8 readers, Big Grizz thinks he's hot stuff, so he doesn't' watch DWTS live, like the rest of "plebeian" [his words, not mine] America) he wasn't able to watch DWTS...Luckily, After huffing and puffing and blowing the the cable guy, he got it back. But I digress. I thought I would write you, Grizz, with a pre-episode letter expressing my extreme dissatisfaction at many of the dancing f aux-pas, I guess you'd call them, many celebriwannabes commit each and every week. Be sure to keep an eye out for these, because not only do they anger me, but I'm pretty sure they piss-off the other 3 Hispanic guys watching the show (quick shout out to Pedro, Juan, and Carlos):

1) The Double Wave - Luckily for us, this only occurs at the beginning of every show. Essentially what happens is the C-Listers walk down the steps with their partners (after their introductions) and stand in a big line (Men behind Women) for the camera to pan across. As the camera does this, some of the celebrities give a smile or an awkward head nod; hell even the big smile and 'hi-mom' is tolerable (once a season Steve Guttenburg...that's all you get). But for some unexplained reason, some of the celestial bodies (stars is being generous) decide to raise both hands, wave, and smile at the camera in what can only be described as Danny LoRusso getting high on PCP, going back to Mr. Miyagi's house, showing him the 'wax on' 'wax off' techniques simultaneously, and laughing like an idiot the whole time.

Biggest Offender: Everybody on the entire freaking show (but especially the Hair-candidate for ridolin-Spray Girl)
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 4 - But only because if Julianne did it I'd do a 180 and say it was the new high five
Final Verdict:This is an easy one to fix. Please Stars, remove the dopey grin, and give us a pleasant nod or single-hand wave.

2) The Campaign - This is an actual conversation had by Big Grizz and I during the last season of DWTS

Mufasa: "Wow...that dance by Marie Osmond made my eyes bleed."
Grizz: "Yeah, what the hell?? was she supposed to be a doll... too many hookups with Donnie."
Mufasa: "HOW DID SHE GET THIS FREAKIN FAR INTO THE COMPETITION!?!?! TOP 3!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!"
Grizz: "Oh wait, she just signaled that we should text and/or call in our votes"
Mufasa: "Ok, that settles it. We'll vote Marie Osmond to win it all."

After receiving their scores, Samantha Harris says one of her two lines (the other being "welcome to DWTS"), and asks everyone to call or text in their votes. The contestant, feeling as though Samantha can't complete a sentence (which is actually a valid sentiment...oh and quick note, I'm glad Marlee called out Samantha for shoving the microphone in her face...I mean come on, show some sense), decides to tell us to call in their vote by putting a "hand phone" up to their ear and mouthing "please vote." Other variations of this include pretend typing in the air, and pointing down to the text they can't see. Perhaps the biggest offense of all though is when they hold up their hand and tell us which number contestant they are. hmmm? they think we're stupid enough that we can't remember what number dancer they are, yet they expect us to navigate the intricate machinations of sending multiple numbers in the form of a text message? Glad they give us so much credit.

Biggest Offender: Mufasa is all about Women's Rights, but in this case I have to say most of the women do it.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 7 - Its like a paper cut...on your junk
Final Verdict: Be gracious and stop campaigning for votes (this isn't' Hilary vs. Obama); I can't remember one champion ever doing this.

3) "Bizz" Terms - WHAT THE HELL IS MUSICALITY!?!?! I've been keeping track of every time the judges say this word, and I still have no idea what the hell it means? This baffles me more than hearing about the "Principle of Vertically" while watching March Madness the other day. So far Carrie-Anne is the biggest offender with 4 mentions of the elusive, yetti-like concept. Len comes in a distant second with only one mention, while Bruno (who probably doesn't' have it in his random-Italian-interjection to English translation book) has yet to mention it. Now I'm all for giving criticism when it is due, but complimenting someone's musicality is like saying you have a "great personality."

Biggest Offender: Carrie Anne InABBAwasthebestgroupofthe80's.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 8 - Remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs where the girl is in the pit. Now imagine if the Serial Killer said "it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality....it puts more time in the studio to improve its musicality" See what I mean? Made up words just don't sound as good.
Final Verdict: From now on I'm gonna start walking around talking about how "blogozemened" I am at everything happening in the world.

4) The Pop Star - This is the Cadillac of annoying gestures. The dancer, while performing their routine, mouthes (and presumably sings) the song while dancing. Now, I think Grizz and I have established the unending appreciation we both have for the Don of Music, Harold Wheeler. To me, when a dancer sings along while performing, they are completely ruining the munificent melodious acumen of HW. One variation of this occurs when the dancer, for some inexplicable reason, leaves their mouth open the entire dance. Mufasa's explanation: the dancer is accustomed to inserting long, thick, shaft-like items into their mouth, and when they dance they lose the focus of keeping their mouth closed. (Get your mind out of the gutter. The dancers are eating a good amount of Banana's to get rid of the lactic-acid buildup from practicing rigorously during the week).

Biggest Offender: Mark Cuban - At least he made it out of the first round, though.
Annoying Factor (out of 10): 10 - Remember that movie the Birds? Imagine that, only the Birds are in fact a swarm of Rosie O'Donnells.
Final Verdict: For the love of God, please stop this. If not for me, do it for HW.