Dancing With the Stars Review

MUFASA:

Well Big Grizz,

Last night was a pretty important "hump" episode. We finally moved away from the pomp and circumstance the first two episodes always carry. And while everyone improved over their first two outings, I got the feeling throughout that I just don't like this season that much. Maybe I'm a a big jaded because we can't always have the best Non-Stars, or maybe I'm a bit hung-over after watching Julianne Hough climb not only the standings but into my heart. Hell, I think even not having Marie Osmond on the show is a certifiable negative. I mean, come on; we loved to hate her. Every show needs a bad guy, and we certainly had one last season. This season? I like everyone. Who would have thought that would be a bad thing? Even worse, this season is already in the books: the percentages of votes for the first weeks tell me everything I need to know. The Guch got 74% of all votes!!!!!!!! Jason Taylor was second with 12% (and after last night, probably falling). The rest of the pack didn't sniff single digits, and most settled between 0.1%-2.0%. The competition is already in the bag; which causes it to lose some of its luster. Last season went down to the finale, this season The Guch can start polishing the mirror ball trophy now; because she is really good. I feel bad, I would like to see her against some really good competition. She reminds me of the 94-95 Houston Rockets, a great team with an all time great (the dream) leading the way; but their championship will forever be remembered as being won between when Jordan played. Wouldn't it be great to see the Guch against someone like Stacey Keibler or Mario Lopez? That would bring some fire, some passion, and major intensity to the show. So in honor of that I'm going to lay down a dream team of Dancing with the Stars...actually how about this? I'll lay down my dream 6, and you lay down your dream 6, and together we will have accumulated the ultimate dancers with the stars roster. Now, without further ado:

1) Arthur Fonzarelli - Now this alone would be worth the price of admission. All he would have to do is put on a leather Jacket during a jive and say "heeey" once, and he'd be guaranteed to win it all. Hands down. Carrie-Anne would get an STD, Bruno would get pregnant, and Len Goodmen...well, lets just say he'll be walking like a cowboy for the next 12 years. Happy Days for all indeed.

2) MacGyver - Can you imagine Richard Dean Anderson dancing his way through the MacGyver theme, as interpreted by Harold Wheeler? Actually, come to think of it, why isn't RDA selling out massive arena's dancing to the theme song from his show. Watch This:


Now tell me that you wouldn't' go to the metro-dome to see him dancing to this montage. You know he'd by the iron man of the circuit too, because if there was ever a wardrobe mal-function he'd fix it with nothing less than a pen laser pipe bomb.

3) The chick with three boobs from Total Recall - It seems like a popular cause on DWTS these days to include someone with a physical handicap, so this is my entry. I'm a big fan of most of the wardrobe on dancing with the stars. They do a great job tailoring the costumes to show off certain dancers...assets. Now, can you imagine how life-altering this would be? Even if she can't dance, she would really bring a lot of awareness to MBS (Multiple Boob Syndrome). And you want to know the best part? Its almost a certainty that HW would put a version of 'my humps' where he makes Fergie stutter several times, in order to account for the multiple lumps.

4) John MacEnroe - Can you imagine the repoire he would have with the judges? And by repoire I mean scream matches. I can only imagine what would happen if one of the judges said his foot went off on one of his lines. Actually, I don't have to imagine, that judge would probably get a good natured ribbing from Johnny Mac, because he's calmed down since his playing days. But still! The potential is there.

5) Harriet Tubman - Who said my all time lineup had to be all living people? My only reason for including this entry is because the ultimate remix provided by HW to the song "Come on Ride the Train" would probably make my head explode. Hell, imagine her dancing to Chocolate Rain by Taye Zonday; that alone would be worth the price of admission.

6) Mario Lopez - Oh wait. He already was on it? What's that you say? He lost to Emmit Smith? But how, Mario is clearly a much better dancer. Oh? America got it wrong and voted a clearly inferior dancer? Well at least the judges...no? They gave them equal score? Oh, ok...

6-A) Jeff Cohen - What!? Who the hell is that Mufasa?!?!?! Well, I've only got two words for you: Truffle Shuffle.

BIG GRIZZ:

Mufasa,

Sorry for really dropping the mirror ball these past couple of weeks. Who would have thought something as reliable as a cable company could let a Grizz down. Never fear, I've still watched each and every episode and have some rock solid opinions.

1) I agree there's no real she-devil to hate this year like we could count on past seasons. But in past seasons you saw contestants mature and contestants who really found their sweet spot. Was it the cha-cha, the Viennese Waltz, or HW hypnotizing the contestant beforehand with his enormous baton. I think we'll see a challenger for the Guch before the season is over and let me be the first to say I'm willing to take the field. As a matter of fact i already told my Korean Bookie this very fact. Ironically this is the same Korean bookie who told me he loved my pick of the Knicks to win the NBA Championship and Tony Romo to announce he's gay to diffuse the Jessica Simpson rumors.

2) About my dream dancers

A) a headless Ted Williams. Look, I'm of the opinion he's already been back to life and the fact he doesn't have a head fits the "we need a deformed celebrity" requirement to a T.

B) Gary Coleman. Huh? What'chu talkin about Willis?" Yea you heard me. GC. Look if the guy could get votes in California primary, he's got staying power on DWTS.

C) Shirley Jones - Shirley Partridge. This fulfills the requirement of star that has a relation with someone more famous. Every time Joey Fatone danced they showed another *NSync member. Every time Marie danced they showed Donny crying. Every time they showed Donny crying my mom would call and vote for her. So anyways, about Shilrls, each time she dances, you could get a shot of Danny Bonaduce sitting in the audience.

D) Drew Carey - Two reasons. 1) If he has a heart attack and dies they could find someone, anyone better to replace him on the Price is Right. 2) He's fat and it's funny when fat people dance.

E) Fred Astaire - maybe the greatest dancer (next to Usher) of all time. Could you imagine him getting up there, HW on the band, and just breaking into an absolutely incredible tap dance solo that causes Samantha Harris to get pregnant again, Len to cry, Bruno to shut the hell up, and Carrie Ann to try and use a dumbass word like "musicality" only to get struck down by lightning from the Lord of the Dance (Lopez).