This is Part 1 in a series. I have aways sort of disdained the public infatuation with celebrities. I do like to know what is happening in Hollywood, who is signed to make what shows, even who is dating who. But what I don't get are why being a paparazzi can make you millions and why I should care what bar Jessica Simpson had a drink at, if I am not planning on stalking her. Understand that I am not meant to be critical in these posts, only trying to understand better. I am going to do my best not to judge, just learn.
Humans by nature are fascinated by what they do not know. The creation of the universe, lives of animals, how the human brain works, how Dane Cook keeps getting movie deals.
Well, something that I have always been fascinated with his celebrity gossip. Not the gossip itself, but mainly why people are so obsessed with it. There constantly is shows on TV, discussions in blogs, and enough magazines to put fantasy sports to shame on the topic.
There really seems to be no common link between how one becomes a celebrity. You just have a recognizable face and money. Think Jessica Alba is famous because she acted the hell out of her role in Good Luck Chuck? No. Its because she looks better acting terribly than the rest of us. Do you think Angelina Jolie is really a better human being than the rest of us, or does she just have the means to do more than the rest of us? Is it even worth getting the means that she does if it meant you had to sleep with Billy Bob Thorton to get there? The you have people like Kim Kardashian who is famous because...she has a fat ass and has sex on tape?
And once one because a celebrity, teens and housewives fawn over your every move. Because Orlando Bloom is (slightly) better looking than me, then I should be glued to the TV while effeminate dudes with highlights tell me that he bought Starbucks and an $1000 shirt this weekend? Why should I care? Why do millions of people care?
I find the whole thing a bit ridiculous, a lot pointless, and, well fascinating.
Well, I am going deep undercover this week to find out. I am going to lay on the couch with a quart of ice cream, an US Magazine, a bottle of wine, and I am going to watch all these celebrity news shows. And hopefully, I will come out unscathed, more informed, and a greater understanding at what makes people feel the urge to follow the daily activities of Nick Lachey should dictate their life. And I am going to do my best not to keep my prior feelings that TMZ is the only show they get in hell aside, to properly evaluate this.
Today's show: TMZ.
To start with, I bet you didn't know that TMZ head smartass Harvey Levan used to be the host on People's Court? He was that dude who interviewed the plantiffs and disgruntled defendants as they left the courthouse. Is obsessing over Amy Whinehouse's drug habits a step up career-wise? Hard to say.
So I sort of enjoy this beginning with his various minions pitching him ideas. Harvey obviously reacts like each of these guys have broken the next Watergate.
Opening story is about Heather Locklear. Apparently TMZ broke a story yesterday that she may be suicidal, and there was a 911 call and everything! But really, everything they just reported was very vague. They ended the segment with "so what prompted the call to 911?" Is that rhetorical? Am I supposed to know? Are they trying to get her to call in? What the hell, I thought this was supposed to be news, not a quiz show.
Oh, now they are talking about David Spade and how he ignored their cameras this past weekend. Sorry TMZ, but a celebrity ignoring you is about as newsworthy as me eating Tony's pizza at 2 am on Saturday. It happens a lot and probably doesn't need reporting. We are all just better off assuming it happens.
They have now officially used their "We must talk about Brittney" clause in the contract now, as they show video of her walking into a bar. Not the drink bar, but a metal bar. Yeah, it was kinda fun. You win this won TMZ.
They sleeze it back up though with a video of K-Fed and Britney's dad golfing. And then they report Britney is on an upcoming episode of How I Met Your Mother, which, that could be awesome. And that is what I am hoping to hear, more actual news. Me learning things I had not previously known.
Now they are reporting that their "mole" at American Idol has taken pictures of the set of AI. Because the rest of us can't just turn to Fox any of the 4 nights a week Idol is on and see it for ourselves?
Obligatory piece on Hiedi and Spencer. Just a video of them dancing at a club. And her singing along to Baby Got Back. And wow, they just had the narrator advise Hiedi to "play some roulette while in Vegas" and cut to a clip of De Niro in Deer Hunter. You stay classy TMZ. Also, we are about 5 minutes in now, and I already want to watch something else. Lets see how many times I feel compelled to change the channel.
They just did a piece on Michelle Rodriquez where all they did was literally show her walking down the street while people filmed her walking. Keep me away from sharp objects.
Peter Fonda got his ankle fused and is on crutches now. 80% of TMZ audience just said "Who?"
Now we have a video of Mel B's boyfriend helping her into a car by putting his hand on her naughty parts while holding their doggie bag. So TMZ, a piece on Scary Spice? Was Savage Garden busy this week?
Something about one of the guys from American Idol in a bar hitting on women? I am about 30 readers away from being more famous than this guy, and guys sloppily hitting on women happen constantly in bars, I don't get the appeal here.
Sweet serenity, commercials. For once, the Nasonex Bee is a happy sight. Although I have expected him to be shot on a grainy cell phone camera and bleeping at the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee after only 11 minutes of TMZ.
Back with videos of Robert Di Nero on a Jet Ski. I guess there is an unwritten rule that if you show an actor in a Best Picture movie, then you have to show him shirtless later.
Johnny Fairplay. We are talking about Johnny Fairplay now. I guess he is getting "wasted with random women" at a bar in Texas. And then he had a contest with his friends on who could take home the fattest woman. I guess their scoop that he has a fiance, but really, fiance, you are engaged to Johnny Fairplay. If you watched him on his dozens of reality shows and instead of thinking "that dude is a sleazeball" thought "I want him to be the father of my children" you probably shouldn't have been procreating in the first place.
In a strange bit of meta-reporting, we have Adnan, Britney's sort of boyfriend, always stalker getting turned away at her mansion. And now all the other paparazzi's are making fun of him. I am starting to just get a bad taste in my mouth and the room is spinning a bit. Is this show 30 minutes or 30 hours? How is it still on?!
Direct quote how they introduce the next segment: "A friend of mine is very close friends with Adam Cook, who is David Cook's brother." So who is this famous Cook family that deserves to be thoroughly discussed on national television until they become crazy, shave their heads and lose the rights to be with their children? You guessed it, American Idol contestant. What network is TMZ on again.... oh yeah, Fox.
Patricia Heaton does not have a belly button. They actually have a photo of this. I guess you could say that. Or its because this picture was taking 10 miles from the beach. Naturally, they all "report" that its because she had so much surgery.
Oh and this one made me throw up in my mouth a bit. TMZ decided it would be a good idea to record Lindsey Lohan's little sister as she (this is the whole video) walked from a building into a car. Hey, this sounds like a good idea. I mean, the last time we followed one of these girls around she ended up having sex with every guy in Hollywood, snorted coke like she was Pablo Escobar's neighbor, become a terrible addict and had to go to rehab for months. So what could be wrong about following around her sister now? I bet she can handle the pressure of being recorded 24/7 much better right? Dear God, only 8 minutes to go....
They are trying to spin this on the mother being bad. Because she was the one forcing her daughters on tv all the time right? Did she buy your cameras TMZ? Is she the one choosing to air these clips? This upsets me more than I want to admit. Am I already becoming infected? Do I need to watch Sportscenter for the rest of the half hour?
10 deep breaths, we are in our last commercial break. I am going to need to hydrate more before tomorrow's viewing session.
We return with Brandon Davis leaving a "villa" and some chick following out and telling the cameras that he is "poor" and "doesn't own a table". She is also wearing a very tiny dress that barely contains her surgically enhanced fun bags. All I really know about Brandon Davis is that he is somehow rich, dislikes Lindsey Lohan and is, apparently tableless. Good to know.
We have a picture of Sting wearing a mesh shirt with a vest over it. And orange shoes. Not quite sure why this needed to be reported, but Sting sorta rocks, so I will allow it.
And in order to torture me a bit more, instead of just running the credits, they only have credits on half the screen. The other half....more celebrity news! Like that Sanjaya is doing Bar Mitzvah's now. Seriously, you find me 1 person in America who wanted to know that. And that crying girl with the braces does not count.
And mercifully, its over. In a day when reporters for the New York Times brought down the most powerful man in New York, the reporters from TMZ told me that Sting was wearing orange shoes while going to Bungalo 8.
Join me tomorrow for part 2 of my experiment as I watch E! News. I mean, that actually has news in the title right? So it should provide me with relevant information?
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