Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby

Its getting to that time of year where the minds of men around the world start to naturally revolve around one thing. Not spring and those natural urges, but Fantasy Baseball season. Soon, office printers will be busy printing out the latest rankings of various positions, men will greet each other in bars by discussing Soriano's sore finger, and the closer situation in Kansas City is the only time people will actively talk about the Kansas City Royals all season. Its in every man’s blood. In fact, Ulysses Grant became an alcoholic only after the Cincinnati Red Stockings refused to consistently use the same starting rotation.

But let’s take a step back. For those of you who never understood what all the commotion was all about, or never saw the fun in knowing that Nick Markakis Baltimore's best hitter and not the guy who owns the diner down the street, or never owned a penis, here is an easy guide to just what, exactly, fantasy baseball is all about.

It’s every man's dream to become a multi-millionaire. Shortly after achieving this dream, the next dream is of owning a professional sports team. Assembling the best players, managing a line up, finding the best players no one knows about. It doesn't get much cooler than that. Case in point, look at Mark Cuban. He started an Internet company, quickly sold it for billions and bought his favorite childhood basketball team--the Dallas Mavericks. He poured a lot of money into the team, assembled all the players he wanted, and now they are one of the top teams in the league. He then when on to become a pretty large douche and a mediocore dancer, but I digress. But unless I can whore out this blog to a major corporation and sell out, I will never be Mark Cuban. And neither will the vast majority of the other everyday, beer swigging, sports loving, American flag waving males out there. So fantasy baseball emerged to fill that void.

The first step is finding a league to join. Usually the league includes either a group of friends, a group of idiots you can take advantage of, or a group of random strangers you will never meet and usually give up on half way through the season in a public league. Once the league is assembled, you must name your team. This is tricky. A good general rule of thumb is, the more offensive, the better. You can either make fun of a leaguemate, someone from pop culture, or a current event. Bonus points to any team name that can mix all those things together. Like "Jesse Injected Clemens Ass".

Then comes the highlight of the season, the draft. Everybody has high hopes and dreams on draft day. And usually lots of beers. Most drafts are like the real thing--someone goes first, takes the best player, and everyone else is secretly jealous while publicly makes fun of his choice. Eventually strategy comes into place. You need to make sure you have a decent player in each position, you need to try not and be the first one that drafts a closer, and you need to pay attention to injuries, depth charts, and what everyone else is doing. And make sure to keep your insults sharp. There is no better feeling than getting an "Ohhhhh nice pick!" comment after a pick. So make sure you never say that to anyone. Your main objective during the draft is not to get the best players for yourself, but to make sure everyone else hates their team.

The way you get points is to get more stats in a category than your opponent. More home runs, more RBIs, more strikeouts, more drunken driving incidents, etc. There are two types of leagues. Some leagues are head-to-head, where you play another person's team for a week. At the end of the week you get a point if you have the most runs. He gets a point if he has more saves, and so on. Rotisserie leagues are where the stats are combined for the whole season. You try and amass the most runs, home runs, RBIs and other stats throughout the whole year. Fun fact: this scoring method is not named after the delicious way to prepare chicken, but instead, after the Manhattan restaurant the first Fantasy Baseball League met.

Due to all points coming from so many stats, this is where strategy comes into play. Do you draft the player who is decent in all categories, or one who dominates a single category, but can hurt you in others? Its how a guy like Brian Roberts to the average fan is just a middle infielder with possibly the whitest name in the league. But to a fantasy guy? He is a steals gold mine playing a position that is not known for its depth. This is important stuff. You can’t have a team of all guys who only hit homeruns, but no one who just hits for average. Or can you? Is that your strategy? Are you trying to fool everyone?

Don't think the hard part is over because you have drafted. During the year, you have to constantly track your players, cut anyone who doesn't pan out (I am looking at you Bobby Abreu last year), propose trades to other people (also known as, swindle the guy who is playing fantasy for the first time), and pick up prospects that no one knows about.

Now, this may explain how, but what most people who have never played what to know is why? Why do I feel like I know Curtis Granderson more than I know my coworkers? Why do I feel like sorting all third basemen into tiers is a better way to spend my Saturday than vacuuming the German Shepherd sized dust bunnies behind our TV? Well, for one, its about being better than your leaguemates. Some leagues play for money, so winning is a monetary motivation. Some leagues are just about putting that guy who constantly stole your beers sophomore year into a place of shame where he belongs. Sure we can’t exactly measure who is a better human being when it comes your friends. Comparing CPAs to MDs is like apples and oranges. But comparing a first place fantasy manager to someone in last place? That last place guy is one step above pedophile in the male social chain of command.

But the real reason is for the fun. Sure it’s easy to mock professional GMs out there. Ones who make trades like trading the best lefthanded pitcher of the last decade for 2 guys who will play major league baseball and 2 more who will be coaching junior high in 5 years. We all can manage teams better than them, right? Well, here is one way to prove it. Without having to worry about "character issues" and "team chemistry." Everyone knows how much fun March Madness is. People make out their brackets, and then, for once, actually have a reason to cheer for Butler or Drake. Every game has a rooting interest. Now picture that over 162 games. Sure, I may not really care how the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, but I will curse Joe Maddon if he doesn't let BJ Upton steal when he gets on base with only one out.

So the next time your boyfriend can't leave just yet for dinner because he has to watch Brandon Phillips bat, or the next time your friend it totally ignoring your story about volunteering at the shelter that morning, because he is watching ESPN scroll scores behind your right shoulder at the bar, give him a break. He is participating in a great male bonding culture. And you can't fight instinct. Or Adam Dunn’s horrific strikeout percentage.