Dancing With the Quasi-Stars

By Big Grizz and Mufasa

BIG GRIZZ:

Hey Mufasa,

So finally it's here. The ballroom lights have turned up, Harold Wheeler's baton has re-emerged from the Smithsonian, Bruno Tonioli is eagerly ready to drool over every guy that prances around that dance floor, and they've inexplicably turned on Samantha Harris' microphone
for Season 6 of DANCING WITH THE STARS.

So what are you looking forward to most this season?

I gotta say personally I was a little indifferent when they first released the pairings. Some of the stuff was predictable like Marlee Matlin, the deaf chick who was brought in solely on the Heather Mills fake leg clause (there I said it, you were all thinking it). And instead of getting Penn (who is not funny), couldn't we have gotten Teller (who is about 200 lbs lighter and doesn't talk)? But as we all know, the thing I look forward to the most each season is not the "most likely to be bumping beautifuls" conjectures, but rather that Baron of the Orchestral Pit, that Duke of Musicality, Harold Wheeler. Man, can that guy drum up a score! From the Star Wars theme to that staple of the floor Copacabana to Outkast. Sure Saint Thomas More was the Man For All Seasons, but DAMN! Harold Wheeler is the Man for All Musical Genres. Well it's official, just thinking about Harold swingin that baton just made my knees sweat for the first time this season.

MUFASA:

You were right Grizz, there certainly was a lot of emotion out there. When the show started I felt like a kid on Christmas morning, sprinting down the stairs in the anticipation of getting a brand new Ninja Turtle, only to tear open the wrapping paper and see a Biker Mice from Mars. After being dazzled by last seasons cornucopia of personalities, the first night of season 6 left me underwhelmed. Instead of Sigfried or Roy we get Penn Gillette (interesting side note: you know Harold Wheeler would have had the stones to play 'eye of the Tiger' if Sigfried or Roy were out there); instead of one of the Grammatica brothers we get Jason Taylor, the NFL "Man of the Year," prancing around a stage in sequenced, low cut, v-neck attire; instead of Marcelo Ramos Ramirez Gonzalez Gutierrez we're stuck with a cocky Hispanic no one under 30 and without a cigarette hole in their neck has any idea even exists; instead of Jimmy Kimmell Fucking Ben Affleck we get Adam Carolla looking worse than Master P and Bill Cyrus combined; instead of the entire group of B2K dancing in a circle around Karina Smirnoff, we're stuck with another Super Mario, handcuffing Harold Wheeler by limiting him to R&B (African American Boy Band) songs even Jesus couldn't make tango (interesting sidenote: I've been hearing rumors harold wheeler destroyed the periodic table; because he only recognizes the element of funk); and finally we're stuck with Steven Guttenberg and not Johny 5, who could have won simply by virtue of screaming "I'm alive" at everyone until he cried robotic tears, thus earning him the sympathy vote (hello marie osmond)...

Like you said Grizz, I'm a little underwhelmed by this season so far; this reminds me a little bit of the season after Mario Lopez and Emmitt Smith dueled in a very memorable final, the one no one can remember because it sucked. I'm actually way more interested in seeing how Harold Wheeler will make this group of forgettables seem memorable; all I can say, is that I hope he brings back that amazing version of 'Take on Me' he busted out last year.

Helio and Mel-B, we already miss you


BIG GRIZZ:

Well how's about we "take on this" - best, worst, and favourites (the British spelling is in homage to Len Goodman) from last night.

But before we get to that, can I just say you made a great point about MRRGG over CDLF (Christian de la Fuente)? I mean the guy admits in his pre-dance piece that he's only used dancing to get in people's pants. While that may work okay with Bruno Tonioli and will certainly garner him some impressive scores from the judge sitting on the viewer's right, it doesn't cut it with me. My prediction? He won't make the top 8. I think his hips are inexplicably stiff for a Latino guy and he's going to suffer majorly at the first sniff of a ball room routine.

So look Mufasa, I understand your pessimism this season but I saw some things last night that encouraged me:

1) Penn sucks as a dancer, but he was more funny than he was annoying. He'll be gone first I think. Why? Because I think the adoring public will vote for Julianne over Penn. Assuming judges scores come in approximately equal, I give the nod to Carolla (although he sucks).

2) I have a secret indicator that let's me know who's gonna go far. For example, I could have predicted the Helio-Julianne kiss long before. I could have told you Jennie Garth and Derek Hough would never win. I could have told you Mario and Karina were gonna go far. How? Watch how close the get on their first dance. Mario and Karina the Second were practically making out. They were the best dance last night and my early pick to win.

3) Steve Guttenberg is this season's Wayne Newton. That is if anybody can be the Wayne Newton of anything besides Wayne Newton himself. Lots of personality. Don't know if he has the talent to go far.

So we'll see. I'm interested to see how the guy's stack up against the gals.